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Sunday, September 27, 2009
haiz, today wasn't a good day to me, yesterday waiting to meet dearie, however he slept like piggy. I was so worried what happen to him, especially he didn't pick up calls. It's make me recalled how i lose my love ones. Perhaps, i'm paraniod?! maybe.. Eventually he called me, and say to meet me once he reached.That point of time, i'm already damn pissed. When he's here, i so mad till i don't wish to talk. perhaps, i'm too concern about it? we headed to eat something, however i don't have much appitite as i'm too angry. Than, he keep asking what i'm i angry about. In my mind, wasn't that obvious that i'm angry why you didn't pick my calls??!! ( though i know he's sleeping), perhaps i need some console or something?
Due to his asking, i'm tired, i walked away and roamed around and eventually walked to NTU! gosh! Thereafter, i saw a playground i find a sit and tear. However, dearie went to buy water for me, but i refused. Than, he was sitting reading NEWSPAPER! Alamak!!! I'm crying down here, he still have mood to read newspaper! Of course, i angry la! Than i'm so mad, i walked away and go home!
He quietly followed me home, during the journey due to i walked to long and i'm too angry, my problems come again. I suddenly felt a rush of blood to my brain, causing so much headaches. I don't feel right at all. He did notice, but i refused to talk. So, i walked home and left him aimlessly. He decided to stay under my block in any case i'm hungry.
I'm not hungry is ANGRY! argh! i sent him sms which definitely breaks his heart. He felt his effort wasted. I explained, his effort didn't waste, is like he don't understand what i really want. So, i told him that when i'm crying perhaps some console or what. He say, he is tired of talking and so on.. Than later, a big war started. It's happened so fast that we nearly said somethings which meant to break both of our hearts.
After much saying, i know i have lots of bad things, he keep saying i like to defend myself and blah blah blah.. Come on, who will never defend??!! moreover, i want to clarify. There's some thinking which he has totally is a misunderstand to me. I was utterly speechless when the moment he said that.
I know he's been nice to me, give in to me alot. But somehow he have some request i can't meet to his target/aim. At times, i feels that there's some words he said to me, in fact he can use it for himself. But he keep insisting, i use it better??!! He knows how to say, but he don't do by himself??!! He keep expect me this and that? than him? If i were to say that to him, i think he'll say he won't change and so on. Than me leh?!
He keep saying, i'm leaving in my own whole and so on, than him? he always choose to keep quiet and so on..
He said that, everything he does have spare a thought for me, than i don't meh?! I know, i can't contribute much, but i did put effort in it. Not say i don't, perhaps i didn't express to him like he does?
He keep thinking i want to win, than he doesn't? I feels that both of us, been bottled too much things, till today we are facing such problems. Due to we are not expressing well, and lead to such issues arises, and blame each other this and that. Which tired out everyone of us.
I doesn't mean anything, and i'm not that good person in expressing my own feelings. But what i'm sure that my love to him didn't lessen due to this quarrel. But will he? Too many guessing, also tired a person. Not saying want to have some initative, i do not have much ideas for myself. And he keep wanting me this and that. Which i feels....
You don't like people to change you, than me? haiya.. think i'm crazy! and it's totally insane!
Anyway, hope things get over and both of us will be alright by than.. now having bad miagrins!